Yesterday was
probably one of the most annoying days ever. I knew it was going to be that way
from the moment I woke up. Start day. Get up at 5 a.m. with Emma. She is stoked to
be awake! When I walk in she’s kicking around, pushing herself up, and babbling
at me all with a huge smile on her face. Really?! So stinking cute, but Listen kid,
5 a.m. is not an appropriate time to get up. I haven’t had coffee yet. I mean
let’s be honest here, I haven’t even peed yet. (Side note: Don’t ever take the
fact that you can pee right when you wake up for granted, no but seriously,
you’ll miss it and it will make you the most bitter person in the world when
you can’t… end side note.)
So
back to reality here, apparently my 6 month old felt that 5 a.m. was a splendid
time to get up on this particular morning. Super! Let’s skip some parts and get to the good
part where I’m sitting on the couch in the living room feeding Emma a bottle
and in strolls my husband with a cup of coffee and, so sweet, a cup of coffee
for me too! So he sits down next to me, puts my coffee down on the coffee
table, (how appropriate) and starts to sip his coffee.
The
minutes tick by, meanwhile I’m still feeding the baby and Billy is now watching Sports
Center on ESPN and not just sipping his coffee, but he has now begun the
occasional slurp. Are you kidding me? Not only does he get to drink hot,
correction: steaming hot, coffee but now he’s going to slurp it too; all
while watching Sports Center!! Sweet Jesus, someone might get hurt here. Hot
coffee for Amber, stat., or someone’s getting a bottle nipple WITH formula to
the eyeball. Visualize… good. Alright, so I hand the baby over to Billy and
grab my room temperature coffee and head to the microwave. Reheat #1 of the day, eventually I got up to reheat #4.
I
walk back out into the living room and Billy’s talking to Emma Jo, his “Beauty
Queen”. This part really has nothing to do with my beginning of the Most
Annoying Day Ever story, but queue tangent story. My husband is 6’3”, 245
pounds, and has 2 brothers. He’s very manly; he's like a lumber jack. Ya know... he enjoys all sports,
beating things up, eating large slabs of meat, knocking things down, burping, farting, and pooping; the normal man business. When it comes to our daughter, however, he’s like a teddy bear. It’s actually pretty
adorable to see a grown man sitting with his 6 month old calling her a Beauty
Queen, bahaha! Where did he even come up with that? Out of all the names in the
book Honey, Sugar, Sweetie, Pumpkin Pie… he chose Beauty Queen. Very manly.
Moving
on, Lumber Jack Billy and his Beauty Queen are sitting out on the couch, when
all of a sudden the gates of Hell open. In other words my 3 year old, Benjamin,
rips open his door and comes barreling out. Our mornings go 1 of 2 ways: really
great or really bad; there is no in between. Ben comes barreling out of his
door and the first words out of his mouth were some sort of indistinct whining,
crying, pissed off mumbling. Oh good, he’s in a GREAT mood. So Emma decides she
wants to be pissed off too, Ben is still pissed that he’s even awake, and both
children start whine-crying. Billy stands up, hands me the Beauty Queen gone
bad, walks over to Ben and kisses him on the cheek, and says, “Ok, everyone Daddy’s
got to go to work! Have a good day!” Then he smiles and leaves. What?! Did everyone
just see that bus traveling at like 90 mph and my husband just throwing me
right underneath it?! I see what’s going on here; someone is out to get me. Ben
starts really freaking out because he wants Lumber Jack Daddy to stay home
today and Emma continues to whine-cry because, well she’s a baby and that’s
what babies do. Thus begun: The Most Annoying Day Ever.
